Meet Rose-Ingrid, Janet and Serisha: Hosts of the EID Podcast
Cover photo of the “Eldest Immigrant Daughters” Podcast
Can I be blunt? Being an eldest daughter is almost like being a punching bag. Yup, I said it, a punching bag. Eldest daughters feel all the brunt, burn and resentment from our parents firsthand, so that our younger siblings simply don’t have to. I definitely walked so my little sister could run. And being the eldest daughter in an immigrant family? Oh, the icing on top of the cake. From navigating cultural complexities, identity and trying to get our parents to simply understand.. Being the eldest immigrant daughter definitely bears its burdens, and that’s why Rose-Ingrid Benjamin, Janet Akins and Serisha Iyar started the “Eldest Immigrant Daughters” podcast to unpack expectations and promote healing.
I sat down with Rose-Ingrid, Janet and Serisha via zoom to discuss about the ins and outs of being an eldest immigrant daughter, how they’re overcoming trauma and the ways in which they’re navigating the world through a generational lens that comes with being misunderstood A LOT.
Before entering the conversation, I initiated a mental health check to make sure everyone was feeling okay. “How is everyone feeling today?” I asked. “Surviving” said Serisha. Rose-Ingrid followed up with a chuckle, “Haha! Honestly, that’s real. There’s only so much you can do while watching an empire fall and trying to survive regular life, right? You know, be a human and process trauma. I’m sure folks have their own thoughts on this too, but it’s thematic, eldest immigrant daughters are always actively building these lives to take care of ourselves and the people we’ve been entrusted with whether we like it or not sometimes, so right now it’s a hot pile of bills and exhaustion, but also hope.” said Rose-Ingrid. There’s always got to be some hope, right?
Image courtesy of Rose-Ingrid Benjamin
Who Are The “ELDEST IMMIGRANT DAUGHTERS”?
Rose-Ingrid (she/they) who is of Haitian descent, Serisha (she/her) who is of South African Descent, and Janet (she/her) who is of Nigerian descent and also proudly from treaty 1 territory, are all first daughters of immigrants and creatives in their own right. Each co-host introduced themselves, spilling a bit of tea for us on their respective contributions to society.
Rose-Ingrid began, “I’m a writer, actor, stand-up comic, theater performer and film maker. I am also an arts worker, I work for the NAC (National Arts Centre). I brought the very first “blackout night” to the NAC two years ago and curated the first ever NAC Hip-Hop theatre festival in 2024 — it was the first of its kind in Canada, which was very cool. Beyond that, I’m a former preacher, the eldest daughter in a single parent Haitian household, and very undiagnosed and unmedicated.” That is so real. And we love real.
Serisha continued the roll call, “I live in Orleans, where it seems like nobody else likes, but I do, haha. I am the executive director of an organization called “Leading in Color”, and that’s how I do my community work outside of my 9-5. I am the eldest daughter of three sisters from a family that wanted three sons, so that’s very fun.”
Now it was Janet’s turn to conclude the round of intros, “outside of this great initiative that I get to do with my friends, I’m a community builder and I like to think I’m an artist as well? I will sing in public, but maybe not record in public yet”.
The Creation of the Podcast
Before the podcast’s inception, Serisha and Janet were already friends before meeting Rose-Ingrid in 2020. “We met for the first-time road tripping to a retreat during a snow storm. I met Janet through a now defunct group called “Decolonizing Christianity Canada” that started to support BIPOC folks across Canada who either were in faith or on the outskirts of it.” said Rose-Ingrid, “We all started hanging out after that and would be on zoom calls talking about this stuff, we even had a group chat. One day I was like “Man, this would be a great conversation to put in a bucket for folks here?” Serisha has produced some podcasts before for her former employers, so she already had experience with that. So, you could say that the podcast made it out of the group chat.”
Every idea needs some kind of… aspect of sustainability. And for most that means money. Once they were able to get funding, Serisha stated that it was something she could decide to put her time and energy into, “I’m doing like a top 30, under 30, before I turn 30 this year, and so when I put that, the funding and Rose-Ingrid’s idea together, I was all in and the rest is history.”
Talk about divine alignment! Janet expressed that it was a great excuse for her to speak to her friends all the time about a topic that she cares deeply about, “it’s a different way to build community that I wouldn’t necessarily do on my own, and it just speaks to the way that it’s important to surround yourself with good people because they can expand you. When you share core values with your friends, you’re able to express those core values in different ways that can expand your world.”
Image courtesy of Serisha Iyar
Honouring Your Elders While Building Your Own Legacy
On one specific episode titled “Ancestors, hear our plea”, Janet, Serisha and Rose-Ingrid dove into what it’s like having to navigate honoring the expectations of those who paved our paths, while still trying to hold space for ourselves and the agency and consideration we deserve. My question for them was how are they navigating this feat while probably being labeled as a “wild card” or “black sheep”, AND while still continuing to understand your own identity and build your legacy… Heavy, I know. All of the co-hosts come from very diverse backgrounds and so it adds a lot of range to the subject matter, which is what I expected, but Serisha’s response stood out to me the most because of the compassion that it encompassed. She responded to the question first by stating, “I think this might be the one where we are most diverse in our experience and opinions” she continued, “for me, prioritizing the needs and wants and expectations of my elders is really important. I can acknowledge that in some cases, it’s harmed me, but despite that it’s something that I really value. I want to ensure I’m following their lead and honoring their sacrifices. My family, collectively has had a lot of trauma, so I hold a lot of space for my parents, grandparents and the stuff they’ve done – it probably wasn’t for my benefit, but they did the best they could with what they had. And if that’s harmed me in some way, that’s on me to sort of go and navigate that. Shout out to therapy!”
Rose-Ingrid’s take on the topic was different and revolved around loss, “the elder that mattered the most passed away last year”, she said, “my mom passed away in May and so I’m in the process of reprocessing all of this through the lens of loss and grief, while also being the oldest. I’m 38 this year, and for the first time the kids were planning a funeral service, not the elders and others that I’m not close to. I spent a lot of time away from my family, that was the only way I could process it. In my first 8 months of therapy, my therapist had me google the definition of “emotional abuse” and then read the definition to her in a session. I’m very cerebral, and as I read the definition out loud, I was like “this sounds like my childhood”. She continued, “People had flirted around the question of whether I thought my mother was abusive, but I was like “no she’s just stressed out, she’s been through a lot”… I think I needed time to get there and process that she gave me her best. I truly believe she did. It also harmed the f*ck out of me, I carry so much baggage and I’m actively unlearning and rebuilding from that. I am also my mother’s child though, my resilience, my strength, my vision, my passion for community is all from her. My first protest was with her. Respecting her has definitely changed over the years and when I was younger it meant doing what I was told, but when it became too much I needed to leave to reframe it… It’s not personal, you know? And so now, I think the respect from my elders needs to be earned.”
Both perspectives truly reflect how we, as eldest daughters, need room to understand our own wants and needs in order to reframe the ideas we have about the elders who hurt us. The acceptance of ourselves leads to the acceptance of those who hurt us.
Breaking Generational Curses
Breaking generational curses can be so exhausting and you gotta call it in some days, but it is necessary for us to be the change we want to see or else we never heal… and that’s worse. I [Ashley Ighorewo] am Congolese and Nigerian, I have a ten-month-old daughter and my mother also passed away a few years back – I’m rediscovering myself all over again and it is confusing. I feel like I’m grieving all over again. This conversation was yet another reminder that I’m not alone in this journey and that my resentment, my anger, and even my compassion is valid. And that setting boundaries does not make me the enemy. A girl needs space to think!
When asked about how important it is to break generational curses, Janet took the stand and said “breaking generational curses is necessary for the season that you just shared. You have a daughter, that’s a beautiful thing. There is another young child that will be both Nigerian and Congolese and express that in a world that we can’t even imagine yet. We don’t know what the future will look like, but in healing ourselves, in breaking generational curses and redefining what it means to be our cultural selves – our authentic selves – to embody all of these things simultaneously, we make more space for the next generation to not be so tired.”
K*lling The People Pleaser
I believe that the biggest issue eldest immigrant daughters have is people pleasing. We live to please our elders at the expense of our own peace of mind… and too much of it can quite literally lead to our demise. One thing I really wanted to about was when or if they ever stopped trying to please their elders and what came out of it.
Janet summarized her response perfectly by saying, “I recognized that my definition was maybe different than what I needed, so “pleasing”, as in “making happy”… and realizing that personal happiness is within all of us” Janet continued, “what I was trying to do was make others happy. I realized that to be pleasing would mean that I wouldn’t always make them happy, but it would certainly still meet cultural expectations and familial expectations. Removing more of that personal responsibility that was not mine to hold, and looking more at the relational responsibility in each case helped me. If there’s a conflict, it is not the end of the world. I just focused on investigating what I thought it meant to be pleasing and acceptable and removing the undue burden that was not mine to carry.”
Our parents’ burdens are not our own and it is not our job to appease them. I’ve had to take years to unlearn this notion. And while I still love and honor my parents, I think it’s important for all those who resonate with this conversation to understand that two things can coexist simultaneously… You can be angry at them and still love them. You can resent them and still respect them. You can be compassionate and still say “f*ck this, I’m not tolerating it anymore”. It is okay. And the folks from the Eldest Immigrant Daughters podcast are here to be a reminder of that. You’re not alone!
Image courtesy of Janet Akins
Advice For The Eldest Daughters Out There
For the young womxn navigating these treacherous and confusing waters, Rose-Ingrid had some beautiful words to finish off our conversation: “To the eldest immigrant daughter, you gon’ be alright. You can take a deep breath. You actually have time. You didn’t destroy your life. I literally dismantled mine at 29 and I’m in the best era of mine now, nine years later. I’ve made the most money in this era. I made more money than my mom ever made, and I started from scratch. I left a career I thought I was destined to do. I was vilified, left town, drank too much wine and just kept it pushing.” She continues, “You are loved. You are worthy, just as you are. You are not what you produce and what you can do for others. And again, you are WORTHY”.
This conversation made me feel like I was talking to older sisters I never had, and I did not realize how much I needed it. There is a community of us out there trying to find ourselves amidst the chaos of our family’s expectations, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Through compassion forgiveness and understanding, we’ll get there.
Be sure to follow the Eldest Immigrant Daughters podcast on Instagram and stream their episodes. We’re all in this healing journey together and if you’re an eldest immigrant daughter reading this right now… We love you!